Lo! What's this we see? Corpses rising from the tables, donning their tennis whites and commencing to play!

Yes, Corpse Tennis has relaunched, with several new matches already completed and ready for viewing. Come around to the back of the building and fill in the grandstands for some fast-paced collaborative art action!

"We actually won a match!" exclaimed team captain Maggie Clancy. "Everyone played so well, even though the wind was crazy and then the rain."

Sandinista's debut match against Beat You At The Beach Byotch was fought under a strong wind advisory. The two teams each won two games, but Sandinista won on points. The following week, the winds were back, too, but they brought a mist that turned into a driven rain. Sandinista won two games against OPP -- the second thanks to near shut-out serving by Andrew Huff (with assistance from the wild wind) -- and was on the way to a third when the match was called due to the weather.

"The wind was our friend this time around," said Huff. "It played with the ball quite a bit, which fortunately aided us more than OPP. I used it to my advantage in game two to the tune of 10 points, but it could have easily taken us out instead."

The OPP match isn't being counted in the standings, so Sandinista kept its spot in the middle of the pack. This week's match against BYOB looks promising: the team lost all four games in its first match.

Pantoliano, speaking through his agent, expressed dissatisfaction with the direction the show is heading, saying tthat he'd like to see SpongeBob take on more serious themes.

"I feel I've matured as an actor, but the SpongeBob personna hasn't grown along with me," said Pantoliano in a statement. "I've seen what stagnation has done to my good friend and mentor, Bart Simpson -- ay carumba! -- and I don't want to go down that path."

Sources familiar with the negotiations say Nickelodeon's latest offer of $1 million per episode is still on the table. Pantoliano's production company, Seawide Pants, has recently purchased rights to Bob Hope's autobiography, leading to speculation that a SpongeBob Hope Movie may be in the works. Seawide Pants is currently casting for a remake of Woody Allen's Bananas, tentatively titled Pineapple Republic, starring Pantoliano in the Allen role.

The Chicago Cacophony Society Reform Lodge #176 presents the 7th Annual SPAM Sculpture Contest on Saturday, February 26th, at the Gallery Cabaret, 2020 N. Oakley, at 6 p.m.

Think outside the box! Unleash your inner artistic meat! Un-can your artistic potential! Prizes! SPAM-tinis! Costumes! And meaty art!

Come with your own can of SPAM or purchase one at the event. Bring plenty of props to augment your artistic creation. Work alone or as a team. Be all you can be with SPAM!

Just wanna watch a lot of meat? That's fine too! What's SPAM without friends to share it with?

Costumes -- whether you're carving or not -- are strongly encouraged.

After the time is over, our prestigious panel of judges will select the best artistic creations and award prizes. You might walk home with a medal. Yes, you.

$2 or a canned/packaged food donation to benefit R.E.S.T. is encouraged.

Space is limited, so please call 773/551-0525 or email spam<at>planetshwoop<dot>com if you would like to participate or attend.

The world gave us meat, so we give it art. Hope to see you there!

After a dismal first game, Sandinista ralleyed to take game two on the strength of captain Maggie Clancy's ace serving in the last rotation.

"I figured out that the girl in the green pants couldn't return, so I just kept serving it to her," Clancy said. " I knew that their hot-shot player would get mad, and he did. They tried to throw me off with a time out, but it didn't faze me."

Julie "Deon Sanders" Adams was absent for a second week as her roller derby season is heating up. Adams was recently made captain of her team. The five player set-up seemed to work for Sandinista, who, despite having to cover more ground, worked hard and communicated well in games two and three this week and last, after taking some time to get used to their opponents.

"You could tell it was totally chapping their asses that they were losing to the worst team in the league who were playing a man short!" said Mike Macias. "They started fighting between serves, and that's when we knew we had'em."

The rubber game was hard fought, with the lead going back and forth several times. The teams battled it out right up to 14, when Six Packers finally broke through with some well-placed tips at the net.

"Things have really come together the past two weeks," said Andrew "House" Huff. "We've scored more points in the last two matches than we did in the previous three. It's incredible."

Sandinista's record moved to 2-16, and their scoring average improved to .441 from .391. The team plays The Regulators next Tuesday, February 22, at 7 p.m., and will again be without Adams.

"We nearly beat Typhoon last season, and this time they killed us," said Mike Macias. "If we can't beat them, we're going to get our asses kicked and handed back to us on a platter by White Space."

The defeat last week against Typhoon was particularly bitter. Spectators looking for a sign as to how demoralized Sandinista was needed look no further than the last time out, when instead of breaking on the team's name, the call of "one, two three, Beer!" rang out.

"It's not looking good for the Sandinista organization," said Andrew Huff. "The way things have gone this season, we're not sure whether we'll make it to the next one."

Sandinista plays Tuesday night at 9 p.m. at the Windy City Field House.

"Those guys really surprised us," said Andrew Huff, starting front right for Sandinista. "They didn't look all that special in warm-ups, but they all could spike, and did so regularly. It took us a game just to figure out where their weak spot was."

Sandinista scored just one point in the first game, but nearly took the second, thanks to some great serving and improved spike management. Rookie Andy Hodapp is proving himself a monster at the net, capably blocking as well as delivering a few spikes of his own.

In game three, the spector of poor serve return loomed again, and Sandinista was again held to just one point.

"I got nailed again," Huff said. "I'm not getting down fast enough on short serves, and I was having trouble getting to ones that were off to the sides. I'll be working on that in our next match."

Sandinista plays a fellow last-place team, Kiss My Pass, at 7 p.m. Tuesday, January 25, in the Windy City Fieldhouse.

"It was amazing," starting front center Michael Macias said. "We actually played like a team, and it showed in the results. Now that we don't have to perform damage control we can concentrate on the areas where we need work."

One of those areas is service return. Fresh off the win in the second game, Sandinista was completely shut out in the last, falling to just two of Last Minute's servers. Sandinista rear center Andrew Huff bore the brunt of the barrage.

"Their server really had my number -- I was either too far back or too far over on nearly every serve," Huff said. "By the time we finally got the ball, the damage was done and we were too flustered to recover. We'll definitely be working on serve returns before the next match."

Team Sandinista plays again January 18 at 8pm, going up against another returning team, Bump Set Drink.

"I've been sitting on the redesign of me3dia for weeks now -- mostly because I haven't had time to do much with it, but also because I was strangely intimidated by it," Huff wrote on the site. "But I've had stuff I've wanted to write about, so forget waiting -- I'm getting it on right now. This is the redesign for now: basic black and white. Welcome to it."

The relaunch of me3dia reopens a venue for his non-satirical and non-PR style writings, Huff said. The weblog was launched in January of 2001 as an offshoot of "The Huff Report," a monthly email sent to friends and family. Me3dia.com was published nearly daily for several years.

"I quit for awhile because I was really busy, both at work and with Gapers Block, and because I wanted to try something new," Huff said. "So I closed down for awhile and started Dead Horse Communications, where I planned to write in pure Public Relations format. The idea of writing press releases about my life amused me at the time, but it my enthusiasm has faded a bit, and it's actually been hard sometimes to fit news into the format. Dead Horse will continue to publish, but will likely contain more spoof and parody news releases, similar to the one on the all-advertising radio station."

The me3dia.com archives, reaching back to 2001, have not yet been added to the site, but Huff said plans are in the works to return these valuable documents to the Web. No announcements were made regarding the fate of the sites other features, including its photo section and list of bad jokes.

Me3dia.com is the online home of Andrew Huff, editor and co-founder of Gapers Block and principal of Dead Horse Communications. Me3dia is pronounced "me-three-deeya."

"It was a grueling trip, let me tell you," Huff said. "Because of a freak snowstorm, it took us three hours just to get out of Chicago. The wind was blowing snow sideways, making driving difficult all the way to the Indiana-Ohio border."

Cinnamon Cooper, Dead Horse's chief financial officer, and Huff's cousin Sarah were along for the trip. Cooper took over driving soon after crossing into Ohio -- about when the snow turned to rain, making the roads much more navigable. The trio pulled into Dover, Ohio, at approximately 3 a.m. EST.

The trip, timed to coincide with the Thanksgiving holiday, allowed room for visits with Huff's paternal grandparents, Robert and Beatrice Huff, as well as his nuclear family. The team from Southington Designs (Tom and Rosa Huff and the kids) was also present for Thanksgiving dinner at the Carlisle Inn in Walnut Creek, Ohio (part of the Dutchcorp Amish/Mennonite Commercial Complex).

The cheese was procured at Heini's Bunker Hill Cheese Chalet. Several bricks of yogurt cheese, some smoked horseradish and baby swiss cheeses, as well as two picked eggs (beet, not mustard) filled the cart; Huff also purchased a share of a pound of beef jerky bought by his brother, Peter.

"Cinnamon was unable to join me at Heini's; she bit the bullet and went to a mall with my mom and grandmother," Huff said. "I was sorry for her, but glad I didn't have to join her."

The Dead Horse executives finished their visit at noon on Sunday, heading home along Interstate Routes 77 North and 90 West. They hit surprisingly little traffic, allowing them to deliver the cheese in just 7½ hours.

"It was incredible," said Andrew Huff, starting back corner for Sandinista. "Maggie [Clancy Ranieri, team captain] served what would be the game point and we managed to hold onto it. We were extatic -- we almost forgot to slap hands with the other team."

Sandinista nearly won the next game as well, holding close to the Chimpanzees and even pulling ahead. But the Chimps proved resilient and managed to survive three game point attempts to ultimately eek out a win of their own. The third game was equally hard-fought, coming down to the last two serves.

"We figured out their weak spots in the first game, but they caught on to ours, too," said Lauren Webb, front corner. "It came down to who could take most advantage of those weak spots."

Although the win marred their perfect record, Team Sandinista was proud to take down the goose-egg.

Match finals: 15-13, 14-16, 12-15